He Called Me By My Name

You know when you just feel kind of distant from the Lord?  When it feels like He’s around you, but you don’t feel His nearness on the inside?  I’ve been struggling with that for the last couple weeks.  I knew in my head that He was there, that He heard me when I talked to Him, but I felt like He did the same thing for the 6 billion other people on the earth. I felt like just another one of His many kids, sure He loved me, but He loved the person sitting next to me in the prayer room too (and they seemed to be connecting with Him on a level I wasn’t).  You see where my problem was coming from…I was comparing myself to the many around me who seemed to be in the glory realm all the time.  How do you feel about me God? Do you still want me, when you can have all these others who seem to love you so well?  I was longing for that personal connection with Him again, to hear His voice speak directly and specifically to me.  I needed quality time with Papa.

There is this class every Sunday from 4-6PM called Encountering Christ Within. It’s led by a woman who has learned how to be silent before the Lord, how to listen, ask questions and meditate on Jesus.  She has a passage of scripture prepared that we take an hour and meditate on.  It’s in the little room near the pool at Hern Hut and the 5-10 of us sit in silence for an hour and commune with the Spirit.  This simple act of being SILENT before the Lord is changing my life. If I’m honest, I’m never silent before the Lord.  Most of my God-time is in the PR where there’s always music, where I’m reading, journalling, singing, praying, or talking to Him, but I’m never sitting in silence LISTENING to Him.  I’m learning that when we come before Him with an open heart, silently waiting and asking for Him to speak to us, He does!

This past Sunday we were mediating on the passage in Mark 1 where Jesus heals the man with leprosy.  I was feeling the nearness of the Lord and he was speaking to me about how much He cares, how He is filled with such compassion and tenderness towards me.  I saw Him with all these mothering qualities.  Jesus with the heart of a mother?  I had never thought of Him like that before – but He is the most caring, gentle, nurturing, compassionate person who ever lived.  The most tender, kind, loving mother doesn’t even come close to the heart of Jesus.  My heart was being tenderized and drawn to the man who loved me with such fierceness but also with overwhelming tenderness.

He took it one step farther though when at the end Debra (the lady leading the group) said to ask the Lord what He calls you…what name does He give you?  As I sat there feeling the warmth and acceptance of my kind Saviour I asked Him, what do you call me??  And He spoke so clearly, it was like a resounding thunder in my Spirit.  ”You are MINE!  I call you MINE! Christina, you don’t belong to your job, to the other things vying for you attention, to your talents or failures, to your friends, the prayer movement, to your calling or destiny, or to even your family, you belong to ME. I know every need, every desire, every thought, I know everything about you, and I’m the One who is going to care for you, I’m the One who is going to always be with you, and I’m the One who is going to define you.”

My little heart lept with love!  I am His!  He said so!  He has named me His, and nothing in heaven or earth is going to separate me from His love. I felt the jealousy in His voice when He said it.  He didn’t want to share me with any other, and all the other things that were distracting me from Him were like garbage compared to the One who adopted me, chose me, and loves me.  He said it in love, but also with a fervency.  It’s almost like He was saying, “Stop believing the lie that your alone, one of many, easily forgotten or unnoticed.  I notice you, I have my eye on you, I have set my love on you and I am with you.  Believe it.  See yourself the way I see you and stand in confidence before me as the one I want and will never forsake.”

I feel different now.  Like I’m living in this new place of identity.  I’m His.  That’s it.  All other thoughts that come in opposition of that truth need to bow in obedience to the reality of who I really am.  I belong to Him.

Last night during my time in the prayer room I found myself in Isaiah and in the way that only He can do, He kissed my heart one more time by leading me to chapter 43….it’s like He wrote this just for me:

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you,
And He who formed you, (O Christina):

“ Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.”

mini update

Hellllooooo friends!

Yes, I’m still alive!!  It’s been a busy month of transitioning into my job which has been consuming much of my brain space and time.  BUT, things feel like they are starting to feel more normal and settled in my life now.  I’m now officially on my own at work. I had about 10 buddy shifts with a really great nurse who showed me the ropes, and now I’m taking my own patients and doing it all by myself.  The staff on the unit are all really experienced RN’s and super helpful, and have been really patient with all my questions.  I had a chance to pray with one of my patient’s a couple weeks ago (she was a believer), and it really encouraged my heart, and I know that it was a huge blessing to her too.  I want to do more of that and step into the opportunities that the Holy Spirit opens for me.  Sometimes I get into, “get the job done” nurse-mode, and forget to listen to what the HS is trying to tell me, and the way He is setting things up for me to speak a word or pray with the patients.  Now that I’m feeling more comfortable with the tasks and flow at work, I’m wanting to tune my spiritual ears into what He’s saying and doing and partner with Him.  I know it’s not an accident that I’m working on this Unit at this time, and there is much for me to learn and for me to give while I’m working here.

My work schedule is 6-2:30PM, 3 days a week, which has been awesome, but it’s been an adjustment to get up at 4:30AM and still have energy to get to class at 4PM after working all day.  The next IHOPU term starts the end of March and I’m thinking of just taking one class instead of two and really wanting to take Song of Solomon with Shelley Hundley and Allan Hood.  I’ve studied SOS on my own and gone through Mike Bickle’s teaching in the past, but I’m excited to hear other teachers perspectives and get even more grounded in the revelation of God’s love for me as His bride.

I know there is much more to update, but that just means I’ll have to start writing on here more regularly.  =)

 

Snow Day!

We had a big dumping of snow yesterday!  It started out with some freezing rain, and then came the wind and snow.  I had hospital orientation, but thankfully they let us out at 12:00 instead of 4:30, the storm was already in full swing by that time already though, and getting home was an adventure!  Praise the Lord, it only took me an hour and I was pulling into my driveway on Greenbrier Lane, nerves friend, knuckles white, and mouth dry from praying in tongues so hard.  I was exhausted, partly from waking up so early the past few weeks, and also from the stressful driving conditions, that I took a 2 hr. nap.  =)  It continued to snow all evening so we decided to make the best of being home-bound and a few of us played games together, it was really fun!  I’m not sure how much snow we actually got when it was all said and done, but it was enough to shut down the city today. My first day of Nursing orientation was cancelled today, so I got a day off, and it was wonderful!  It felt like a Saturday.

We got a new housemate on Friday, her name is Carolin and she’s from Germany.  She’s going to be 20 this year, so she’s young, but I’m surprised at how mature and smart she is.  We’ve been hanging out quite a bit, and it’s been fascinating to learn more about Germany and about how different her culture is.  This is her first time at IHOP and in the US!  She’s doing the Commission program, but it was cancelled today so we ventured out this morning and spent a few hours at IHOP.  We came home and had lunch and then went to this place called the Bargain Factory (basically like a Liquidation World), it’s on Grandview on your way to the FCF building.  We spent a few hours there looking around and finding sweet deals!  It is the perfect place to shop if your on a tight budget.  After we got home and put our loot away we went for a short walk around the neighborhood just to get some exercise.  The temp said only -13 Celsius, but it felt much colder.  I’m not complaining though…I remember very well Winnipeg cold…!

Tomorrow is my first day of Nursing Orientation and I’m excited because I get to wear scrubs and be really comfortable all day.  This isn’t going to be on my Unit yet, this is still just for all the new nurses that were hired in the last month.  Hands on patient care and orientation to my ward will start next week, probably Wed. from what I heard.  I’m getting really excited to get working and see what it’s actually going to be like to work in America! I’ve learned a lot about St. Luke’s hospital the past few days and it is a great hospital!  I didn’t realize how awesome it was, and it’s just another testimony of how good the Lord has been to me with this whole transition.  If I had known how awesome this hospital was, I would have definitely wanted to work here and would have probably just applied to jobs at St.Luke’s.  I’m still having moments of wonder that I’m here, and thankfulness for how the Lord has been caring for me in every way.  He is so good.

Here are pics from the last few days…

Little update

And so ends my full 2nd week at IHOP.

It’s been so nice to have these past couple weeks to spend in the Prayer Room, meet up with friends, go to class, and start to feel settled in Kansas City before work starts.  A typical day has been…up at around 6:15, prayer room from 8-12AM(ish), home for lunch, class from 4-6PM, home for supper, and my evenings are usually open.  This is the time I’ll try to connect with friends/family by email or skype, do laundry, get groceries, read, play piano…that kind of thing.

I’ve started reading a book called “100 Days in the Secret Place” which is a compilation of the writings of three Christian mystics from the 17th Century: Michael Molinos, Madam Guyon & Francois Fenelon.  It has been wonderful!  My first introduction to the mystics was a few years ago when my mom gave me, “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence, and that’s when I fell in love with the writings from the dessert fathers and mothers.  They take big Christian concepts like love, suffering, prayer, obedience, and break them down into bite size, chewable pieces – their writing is simple, yet so profound.  They seem to shine a light, and bring clarity and practicality to things that sometimes seem abstract or difficult to understand or walk out.

Here’s a little exerpt from Molinos on Firmness in Prayer….

The consistency of true prayer is in faith, and in waiting on Him.  First you believe that you are in His presence.  You believe that you are turning to Him with your heart.  And you wait there before Him, tranquilly.  These are the only preparations that you need.  The final results contains a great deal of fruit.

Isn’t it good?  Little bite size pieces of goodness.

Despite being around people a lot of the time…in the PR, at class, around IHOP…I’m still alone quite a bit.  This has been really good for me though.  It’s made me more hungry to commune with the Holy Spirit, and to talk to Him because there is often no one else to talk with.  I’ve realized how much of my life I spend not including him in, not sharing with Him…and it was actually a big wake up call. I usually make decisions based on how I feel, and not on what I think the Holy Spirit is saying to me.  I think I’ve surrendered everything to the Lord and then I see all these areas that I’m still holding onto and not wanting to let go.  So I’m learning to talk to Him, and ask Him questions.  My biggest prayer has been for Him to teach me, as I read, pray, interact with others and just live life, I want to know who God is and what He’s like.  Just as it says in 1 Cor. 2:9-11, the Holy Sprit is the one who reveals to us the things of the Father…

However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”— the things God has prepared for those who love him—these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

I’ve always loved the Holy Sprit, and appreciated what He does, but have not known Him like I want to, or how He wants to be known.  As I’ve been talking to Him more and asking Him questions, He’s been answering me, and it has been so fun!  I want to learn His voice so that I hear it and obey it, and am consistently walking in what He has for me, and not in what I want for myself.  Much of the frustration in my life comes from not asking Him what He thinks, or not obeying Him when He tells me something.  So much hardship could be averted if I just listened and obeyed.

This next week is going to be a busy one.  Orientation at the hospital from Mon-Fri 8:00-4:30 and then IHOPU till 6PM.  I’m so thankful that it worked out that I was able to come early and have this time with the Lord before real life kicks in.  He knew just what I needed, I’m so grateful.  It’s almost 10PM and I’m so ready for bed…getting up early has meant I’m tired around this time, which is good.  I’ll hopefully be going to bed even earlier once my real shifts start…work starts at 6:30Am then!  Yikes!  I’m just thankful I’m not working anymore nightshifts!  Praise the Lord!  That makes me sooooo happy! =)

 

Friends & My Faithful Father

Coming here I knew it might not be super easy to make new friends that quickly. People’s lives at IHOP are really busy…if they’re not in the prayer room (where they’re talking to the Lord and not people), then they’re in school, or an internship, or on staff with work hours…you get the picture.  I’m also not living with anyone my age right now.  Gerry (the owner of the home) is in California till March, so there are two other older couples living at the house with me.  One is a missionary couple from Turkey and the other is a couple from Ohio who did Intro to IHOP and are now sticking around for a while…so no real peer community there.  BUT, the Lord has been taking such good care of me!

Cool story #1: I was at a coffee shop in Grandview last week, and in walks a girl, Brea, from my Commission class from 2 years ago!  We exchanged numbers and she invited me to go the Boiler Room (another 24/7 prayer movement) for church today.  We drove down with two of her other friends, and had an awesome morning there (there’s tons of opportunity for me to build community in that church setting too if I wanted to).

Cool story #2: I had texted Brea to see if she wanted to go to EGS with me on Friday night and she wasn’t able to, so without me knowing, she passed my number onto another old Commission friend who’s still here too.  I had just been typing/chatting with a friend in Winnipeg telling her I had no one to go the service with, and that I was going to pray and ask the Lord for someone I would recognize at the service so I wouldn’t have to sit alone.  Then out of the blue, about an hour later, my phone rings and it’s this other friend from my Commission class that I haven’t seen in two years.  I had asked to just find someone at EGS that I knew, but the Lord took it one step further, and had someone call me, pick me up, and go with me to EGS. He’s showing me that he cares about the little details in my life and hears my little prayers, no matter how small and silly they might feel to me.  He cares!

I also had a chance to connect with an acquaintance (who’s now becoming a friend) from Calgary which was also so great.  She knows lots of people down here because she’s lived here for quite a few years, and has been going the extra mile to make me feel welcomed, texting and calling me, since our coffee date.  She even invited me to her birthday party at the Cheesecake Factory tomorrow evening with all her friends (which she totally didn’t have to do!).

I have felt so cared for, and loved by these little acts of kindness that my heavenly Father keeps surprising me with.  Don’t stop talking to him and asking him for things…small, big, silly, impossible…he’s listening and LOVES to provide for his children.

For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Matthew 8:7-11

snow storm, pumpkin pie & love notes

Today it snowed in Kansas City.  So much so, that my class was cancelled this afternoon.  I actually didn’t mind though, it meant I could spend the afternoon at home where I was warm and not at the mercy of other drivers.  I haven’t been around them long enough to know if they can be trusted.  Call me pessimistic, but when you get people from all over (the world) coming to IHOP, with many of them not used to icy, snowy road conditions, their wintertime driving skills are questionable.  I knew what I was getting when I drove around my fellow Winnipegers during a snow storm, but here, they’re liable to do just about anything, and that just makes me a wee bit nervous to be on the roads with them.

Anyway…I came home to the smell of a lemony clean house and remembered today is cleaning day.  Gerry is a woman after my own heart and gets a cleaning lady to come in once a week.  =)

I am so spoiled living here.  Seriously.

No one was home yet so I had the place to myself.  I threw in a load of laundry, rocked with Boo (the kitty) on the recliner, played some piano, and had some tea.  It was a nice afternoon, and I’m was thankful I wasn’t outside as I watched the snow continuing to fall outside the kitchen window.

This evening instead of venturing over to the prayer room, I decided to stay in my warm and cozy room and catch up on some emails and check out a few books I found in Gerry’s large library of books.  I didn’t get very far with the books though before I decided to pull out the little orange notebook tucked inside my bookshelf.

This is one of those little books that you keep forever.  It’s one of those little books that is worth gold to the owner and worthless to another.  This is one of those little books that when you feel discouraged, or lonely, or homesick, you read it and start to feel all warm  & loved on the inside.  This little book is filled with the words of my dear friends, about me.  That’s right, it’s a book made just for me, all about me.

This little book was given to me on one of my last Tuesday nights at prayer and I had no idea it was coming. My dear friend Janelle had organized the whole thing and had asked people from my SHOP family to write little notes of encouragement, memories, prophetic words, scripture, or anything else they would like to say since I was moving away.  She wrote some out, pasted some emails in, and made it look really pretty with stickers and pictures and verses alongside the notes.  Thank you Janelle for going to all the trouble to put this together for me!  You are a gem and such a caring and dear friend.

Tonight I read the little orange book again while eating pumpkin pie and listening to an old SHOP set (one of my favorites where I’m singing on Johan’s team).  It made me feel so loved and grateful for each of you as I read your words and thought about how much I respect and care for you.  A good community is something you take for granted until your somewhere where you have none.  So thank you to each of one of you who filled my little orange book with your kind, encouraging, inspiring, loving words.  

They will be read and re-read many times over, and will bring strength & encouragement to me heart each time. You can be sure of that.

Back To School

Tomorrow marks a week from when I arrived and it still feels a little surreal that I’m down here and don’t have to leave.  This weeks been good and I’m slowly settling into a bit of a routine.  I found out yesterday that the next Nursing orientation isn’t until Jan. 31st, so I get to spend two weeks in the prayer room until work starts, this makes me so happy!

With my work schedule only being untill 3PM three days a week, I’m also able to audit a couple IHOPU courses (4-6PM Mon-Thurs) which started yesterday. Mon and Wed I’m taking Shelley Hundley’s class called “Foundations for Prophetic Ministry” and Tues and Thurs I’m taking Allan Hood’s class on the “Excellencies of Christ”.  I’ve only been to one of each class and I already know the next few months of these classes is going to change my life!   The revelation they have on scripture and their absolute love and friendship with the Lord is so beautiful.  It makes me want that too.  I can feel my heart coming alive and I feel so hungry to learn more.

IHOP just finished their University this past fall and it is so nice!!  It’s located about 5 minutes away off the 71 South.  Everything is brand new and my favorite part about the whole school is their water bottle filling stations. Instead of a normal fountain you drink from, you stick your water bottle underneath it and it automatically pours water, I thought that was so cool, and such a good idea!

When I think about how perfectly the Lord orchestrated everything I am so blown away and thankful.  He got me a job so that I could even come down here, and it’s one with an awesome schedule so that I can still have lots of prayer room time and take classes. Plus He got me here four days before the new semester started so I didn’t miss anything. My heavenly Father is so good to me.  I’ve been counting my blessings a lot this week, and I look around and just feel overwhelmed and grateful that I’m here and have this new season of learning and growing in so many areas.

I’m thinking about all you wonderful family and friends back home and I’m praying for you!  Sending my love your way tonight.

Just for fun, here are a few pictures from my first week here (click on them for a larger size):

11300 Greenbrier Lane

This is the same room I had when I lived at Gerry’s in 2008 for 3 months

melody maker

Foundations of Prophetic Ministry

I love this picture hanging in the hallway

I’m sure not in Winnipeg anymore…loving the milder weather here =)